Once in a while, I let the cat out of the bag and share that I have a severe chronic anxiety disorder…at least that’s what I’ve been told by the professionals. I do my best to manage it naturally…sometimes that goes better than other times.
Yesterday, I had plans to go to the Ice Castles at the Mall of America. We had a nice late lunch…Greek food, one of my favs…and then headed down to get there a bit closer to nightfall. The Ice Castles are lit up at night and I really wanted to experience to colors.
We got about a mile away from the Mall and traffic came to a stop. The highway was packed. We wondered if there was an accident somewhere but I was pretty sure it was just “mall traffic” since I’d experienced it many times before. There was a time in my life where spending the day at the mall was a regular occurrence…I find myself wondering how I ever enjoyed that. Now, I do everything possible to avoid crowds as much as I can.
It was just mall traffic holding us up. As we rounded the corner, we could see cars in every direction possible, all going for the same thing…the Mall of America. The image below is a small sampling of the vehicles that surrounded us on all the access points to the Mall.
The traffic alone was enough to send my heart a-pounding. Anxiety was full-blown. I was looking for escape routes every chance I got. There were none. I was stuck on a bridge {I hate bridges}. I felt ill. I was sure there was no parking and the lines would be horribly long, should we ever even arrive at our destination. All I wanted was to go home.
I’d been waiting for a couple of months to go to the Ice Castles. I got tickets and had plans in early December, only to find out they weren’t open yet and I would have to wait. Then schedules and weather got in the way and I started to wonder if I’d ever get there. This was my last chance. They were closing on the 20th so it was now or never…and never was looking pretty good. But, alas, we were basically trapped in the sea of cars so I was in for the long haul.
We finally made it into the ramp and parked, purely a lucky break. I have never felt so relieved to leave a vehicle before! The relief was short-lived. The Mall was packed, people everywhere, packed in like sardines in a can. I started to feel sick again…desperate for a break…anything to get away from all these people. It was just too much. We decided to head up to the food court where we could hopefully carve out a little corner of the world for ourselves and sit until it was time to go. This was a great decision and actually calmed my nerves completely as we relaxed and watch through the skylights above us for darkness to fall.
Then we made the trek across the parking lot, across the street, where we entered the Ice Castles…lit up under the dark night sky. Here’s what I almost missed…
As I reflect back on yesterday’s events, I realize how much I might have missed out on. The wonders that were created out of icicles…the excited children…the couples gathering under the ice hearts for photos…the lights…all of it. Because I didn’t give up and run in the other direction, I got to be a part of it all…capturing a few special moments on “film.” What has gotten in the way of your life? What has stopped you from fully experiencing the life you were intended to live? I want you to know that…
I fought anxiety and I won. And so can you! Click to Tweet
Sue says
February 18, 2013 at 5:19 pmMichele, So glad that you continued on your quest to see the show, the photos are amazing!
Michele says
February 18, 2013 at 8:08 pmMe too, Sue 🙂
Belinda Rose says
February 18, 2013 at 12:10 amMichele the photos are amazing! I don’t like driving either. My oldest son is 24 and still doesn’t have his license due to anxiety when driving. Thank you for sharing. xoxo
Michele says
February 18, 2013 at 12:23 amThank you, Belinda. I hope your son is able to find a way to manage the anxiety so he’s able to drive someday 🙂 Peace to you when you drive as well!
Ruth Packard says
February 17, 2013 at 11:27 pmOh, Michele, those photo memories are beautiful but overcoming a gripping fear is incredible!! Sooo proud of you!
I have such a fear of driving on the freeways but since my husband is disabled, the driving has to be done by me. Several years we flew back to Atlanta and rented a minivan. I began our 1000 mile trip with lots of prayer and hidden stomach pain. The experience was worth the costs I felt I had to make! Do you remember hearing the celebration when our trip was complete?!! Do I like driving now? NO…but I know I can do it!
Michele says
February 17, 2013 at 11:43 pmI seem to be finding many beautiful souls who do not enjoy driving or being on a road with lots of other vehicles around. I so glad to hear you have successful won too!
Suzanne McRae says
February 17, 2013 at 9:06 pmI’m so happy to read that you fought your anxiety and you won. I felt your pain while reading this post. For me the anxiety with driving I remember it starting 15 years ago and it got so bad that I could barely drive the 4 lane highways anymore. It seems to be under control much better these days, but I still won’t venture on roads that I don’t usually go on. For me it would feel like I was going to pass out when the anxiety would grip me, not good. This is so hard to explain to people who have never experienced it themselves.
Your photos are so lovely. I can see why you didn’t want to miss that outing. Spectacular!
Michele says
February 17, 2013 at 9:20 pmI’m so sorry that driving is hard for you at times but definitely understand. It’s worse if I’m not driving, which I wasn’t, because I feel like I don’t have any control and, even if I trust the person, I’m never quite sure if they are seeing everything and have control of what’s going on around them, which we know they don’t really have. Feeling like I was going to pass out, be sick and/or have a heart attack pretty much sums up out I felt and to go right from that to a huge mall, so thick with people, I couldn’t hardly breathe was a lot to handle. But I did it!!
Deborah Weber says
February 17, 2013 at 5:15 pmHow cool Michele! Those photos are amazing – as I imagine the entire experience in the Castles was. I’m glad you were able to make it and enjoy your time there.
Michele says
February 17, 2013 at 5:35 pmDeborah, Thank you! I’m so glad I was able to experience it all…all of it 🙂
Sue Jorgenson says
February 17, 2013 at 4:54 pmWOW! The pictures are awesome! I don’t have the same disorder but I have this thing about heights and I am soooo proud of you for finding ways to cope and to not miss out on the show!
Michele says
February 17, 2013 at 5:35 pmSue, I’ve had an issue with heights since I was probably 13 years old…that is my earliest memory of it…when I was in jr. high. I think that’s where some of my fear of bridges comes from as well as escalators but I’m not sure. I know with escalators and bridges, I don’t feel like I have solid ground below me and that is really important. I was medicated for a while and chose to go another route (totally a personal choice everyone has to make). I can’t wait to see your pictures from your trip!
Sheila Skillingstead says
February 17, 2013 at 4:27 pmSuch beautiful photos and such beauty in your truth about anxiety. I personally am crowdaphobic. I don’t mind small spaces. I mind when there are too many people and they are breathing my air. I try not to let this limit my enjoyment of events but I have the lines I’ve drawn. Opening nights for movies, not a chance. Open pit concerts, again, not happening.
I developed this fear in college when we were crushed toward glass doors for a Stone’s concert. It was before the Cinncinnati deaths which you are probably too young to remember. I’m glad you were able to enjoy the day and complete your plans. Loved the post.
Michele says
February 17, 2013 at 5:31 pmSheila, Good point about setting boundaries. There are definitely things I avoid because I prefer a quieter atmosphere and I don’t like trying to get through crowds. I am grateful, at the same time, for not thinking about the crowds or traffic that might be there…I truly would not have wanted to miss this opportunity.
I can see where that would have been terrifying, what you went through. I’m glad you still find ways to enjoy life 🙂