Life Orgasmic

living your bliss-filled life

Growth Shows Up At The Strangest Times in the Strangest Ways

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bridge to growthI have a severe chronic anxiety disorder.

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago when they sent me through all this testing for ADD, which I also have.

If you’re in my close circle, you probably know this but I haven’t told a lot of people.

Sometimes, I’m embarrassed by it.  I feel like I have all these tools and shouldn’t experience anxiety ever.  I know that’s not true now.  The tools help me get through but our bodies are geared to experience stress and anxiety a specific way so there is a natural element to feeling.   My issue is it’s a greater challenge to come out of that state.  I think there are several factors that contribute to my anxiety.  I did try medication for a while but just didn’t find it to be that helpful and knew that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life being medicated.  I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that choice.  It is just a choice.

I can tell when I have more stress in my life because of some coping mechanisms I notice being more prominent.  They seem silly and irrational and, yet, they feel so real.

My fear of heights gets worse.  I have no reason to fear them.  It’s not like I’ve ever fallen off a cliff or even come close.

My fear of small spaces gets worse.  Never been trapped in a pipe or anything similar.

My fear of bridges gets worse.  I don’t think I could grasp the wheel any tighter and I’m not even sure how that would help me if a problem actually came up.

My need for knowing is the worst.  If I’m making plans, I need the deets NOW.  Not having them is really stressful.  If I’m going somewhere, I need to know how to get there (at least have the directions printed out).  I need to know what parking will be like.  I need to know what to expect when I arrive.  You get the picture…

The not knowing is just about enough to drive me batty.

When I feel these issues becoming more prevalent for me, I know I have more stress than normal in my life.  It’s not always bad stress but it is some type of stress.  Any kind of stress and I find that things work best when I’m in a state of knowing.

Sometimes it bothers me.  Like last month when I was asked about having a preference of eating indoors or out at a restaurant.  I’m always going to pick indoors.  Waaaay too many variables that can ruin a meal to sit outside for me UNLESS I’ve already scoped them out and eliminated several of them.  I’ve rarely sat outside and enjoyed it at a restaurant.  I’m just too picky and the variables are too stressful.  Traffic loud? smelly?  Stop light near by where people will be sitting and staring?  Too hot?  Too cold?  Too windy?  Buggy out?  Are the chairs comfortable?  What are they made of?  Will I have to squint in the sun and end up with a headache?  I could go on but you get the picture.  Someone asked my why I didn’t like to eat outside and I kind of froze and just said, “lots of reasons.” or something like that.  I don’t think they understood.  In fact, I know they didn’t because of their reaction and their being the instigator of a plan for the next month to eat outside.

Does it bother me that I’m this way?  I certainly don’t like living in a state of anxiety when things are going on and I do use the tools I have to manage it.  I hope over time it ge

Fast forward to today.

Funny thing….I started writing this post in September 2012.  That last line above is the last one I wrote before I saved it as a draft and moved on, forgetting it was even here…not even finishing that last sentence.

Today, I was going through some of my old drafts to see what could be cleaned up, removed, etc. and I came across this one.  I can’t remember the last time I even noticed I was driving over a bridge, or in a small space and I actually just updated my outdoor furniture at home to include a table and chairs we can eat at.  Outside. 

My first reaction was to delete this post…it’s old and isn’t relevant any longer….BUT it is relevant because it’s such a wonderful reminder of all the work I’ve done and how far I’ve come.  The bridge that gets us from one place to the next along our journey isn’t always clear.  When I started this post, I remember feeling like I’d lived that way for so long it would probably never change and I think that’s why I stopped writing…not even finishing my sentence that was to read “I hope over time it gets better.”  Coming across this post is truly a gift.  What an amazing example of how much we truly can grow if we are willing to do the work it requires.  I’m going to soak this in today.  Celebrate my growth.

 

What Others are Saying

  2. Congratulations! I’m filled with bubbles of happiness for your personal change! I, too, have lived with anxiety as an unwanted roommate. It’s very hard, and it can be so damaging to all areas of life. I’ve discovered that, for me, the anxiety is deeply connected with an ongoing issue with my thyroid, and is hushed down to near nothingness when my thyroid is in balance. Over the years, I’ve also found great help from a book called “The Mood Cure” by Julia Ross, which is about using natural amino acids (building blocks of protein) to heal issues like depression and anxiety. Even though I don’t need to use it much anymore, I make sure to have a copy on my shelf at all times.

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    • It is a huge accomplishment and my heart goes out to anyone who suffers from anxiety. There is a light at the end of the tunnel…that’s the upside to it all.

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  3. Are you also an HSP? All these things sound VERY familiar! I mean, I’m the same way. I love to know the plans… in fact, if we get an idea, I cannot rest until I’ve taken care of it. 🙂

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    • I am, Naomi. I have learned to manage it pretty well most of the time and that also feels great. I still have a hard time shaking off someone else’s junk sometimes but other than that, I’m doing much better with it all.

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  4. So happy for you, Michele! You deserve all the best and this spring in particular, you seem to be blossoming with healthy, exciting new additions to your world.

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  5. I was so captivated by your whole story. Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to share. Who knows how many people you may have inspired by all of your progress.

    Congrats on FEELING BETTER!!

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  6. And you should….this post speaks volumes of your courage and growth! I too have stumble across the occasional half written post and many times wondered, “what was I thinking” LOL! But still…there are always lessons to be learned and blessing to be acknowledged! Congratulations…..”You’ve come a long way, baby!”

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  7. It is relevant. So many suffer from this, and can’t see the way out. I’m fortunate enough to never have suffered from anxiety, although I have other burdens to carry.

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    • Very true, Linda. It’s so nice to know personally that there is an end to it if we are willing to do the work and choose to live a different way.

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  8. Geez! I was getting anxious just reading! Sure glad you did your work and have awakened to the Totally Awesome Michele that you are, In the Know!

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    • It was a powerful gift and so motivating for me to continue moving forward on this journey, even when times get tough. Thank you, Deborah!

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  10. Glad you finished your post and that you overcame your anxiety without meds. I hate meds, but my mental issues require them. My Bipolar Disorder and BPD are finally stable at the moment. 58 years and I finally am fairly stable.

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