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Arrrrggg. After much thought and little action over the past several months, I’m ready to make some changes in my lifestyle. For several months last year, I was making very conscious decisions which spilled over to include my food choices. This had a positive impact and then, of course, life happens, consciousness went to the wayside in all the hustle and bustle of life. The weight I lost came back and I skillfully ignored how pissed off I was again at myself for allowing it to happen. I’m really good at the ignoring part AND I’m really good at beating myself up, making this a natural reaction.
I hate being overweight. BIBLE (Kardashian speak for truth).
I apparently don’t hate it enough to do something about it. BIBLE.
Until now. BIBLE.
The past two months have been a bit of a downer in many ways and I’ve said enough about that already. Earlier this month, I started to feel things shifting in the right direction but have been very mindful — conscious again. I spent a week and a half dog sitting for my oldest daughter while she and her husband were on vacation (remember the dead guy upstairs story? death, heroin, missing belongings including a mercedes?). Stella, her puppy, is a handful. She wore me out. I spent more time outside, more time walking, more time just moving in general than I have spent in a long time.
And, as exhausted as I was at times, it felt good. BIBLE.
She lives in Uptown so I quickly grew comfortable around the area. Athough I’ve always loved Uptown and spent time there frequently, this felt different. I think this is why…
About 6 or 7 years ago, I decided I needed a change in my life. Overweight, unhappy, a general sense of blah – it was time. The journey is a long story but one of the first steps was joining Weight Watchers. The next step was starting yoga, which I loved. My first yoga class was in Uptown with an incredible teacher. This started me on a journey of trying lots of new things, losing almost 100 lbs., a new sense of freedom and joy on a daily basis.
After a couple of years, I had a very stressful situation occur at work and, for whatever reason, as if someone flipped a switch, I stopped all the new fun things I had brought into my life. All the things that had made such a difference in my life. All the things I loved. It was as if the situation at worked, which caused me to have serious doubts about myself, triggered that stupid, foolish need to punish myself again.
I hate that. BIBLE.
So for about 5 years, I haven’t been able to get back to that space fully and stop beating myself up. I’ve had glimpses of it for a few months here and there. But being back in Uptown…I could feel that energy again. I felt a spark inside. A spark that was dangerously close the the pile of brush I’ve been accumulated all year with other changes I’ve made, positive changes.
PS: “dangerously close” is a good thing.
I am more fully who I am publicly than I have every been before. I don’t feel a strong need to hide anymore. I don’t feel like I need to be protected so much anymore. I feel like a cycle has ended and a new one is beginning. I want to feel alive all the time. I want to feel joy. I want to be happy. I want to be me.
Will this time be different? Who knows? I hope so but only time will tell. The first step for me was sharing this with you. The next step…stay tuned…