It’s Time…

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Arrrrggg.  After much thought and little action over the past several months, I’m ready to make some changes in my lifestyle.  For several months last year, I was making very conscious decisions which spilled over to include my food choices.  This had a positive impact and then, of course, life happens, consciousness went to the wayside in all the hustle and bustle of life.  The weight I lost came back and I skillfully ignored how pissed off I was again at myself for allowing it to happen.  I’m really good at the ignoring part AND I’m really good at beating myself up, making this a natural reaction.

I hate being overweight.  BIBLE (Kardashian speak for truth).

I apparently don’t hate it enough to do something about it.  BIBLE.

Until now.  BIBLE.

The past two months have been a bit of a downer in many ways and I’ve said enough about that already.  Earlier this month, I started to feel things shifting in the right direction but have been very mindful — conscious again.  I spent a week and a half dog sitting for my oldest daughter while she and her husband were on vacation (remember the dead guy upstairs story?  death, heroin, missing belongings including a mercedes?).  Stella, her puppy, is a handful.  She wore me out.  I spent more time outside, more time walking, more time just moving in general than I have spent in a long time.

And, as exhausted as I was at times, it felt good. BIBLE.

She lives in Uptown so I quickly grew comfortable around the area.  Athough I’ve always loved Uptown and spent time there frequently, this felt different.  I think this is why…

About 6 or 7 years ago, I decided I needed a change in my life.  Overweight, unhappy, a general sense of blah – it was time.  The journey is a long story but one of the first steps was joining Weight Watchers.  The next step was starting yoga, which I loved.  My first yoga class was in Uptown with an incredible teacher.  This started me on a journey of trying lots of new things, losing almost 100 lbs., a new sense of freedom and joy on a daily basis.

After a couple of years, I had a very stressful situation occur at work and, for whatever reason, as if someone flipped a switch, I stopped all the new fun things I had brought into my life.  All the things that had made such a difference in my life.  All the things I loved.  It was as if the situation at worked, which caused me to have serious doubts about myself, triggered that stupid, foolish need to punish myself again.

Dang it.

I hate that.  BIBLE.

So for about 5 years, I haven’t been able to get back to that space fully and stop beating myself up.  I’ve had glimpses of it for a few months here and there.  But being back in Uptown…I could feel that energy again.  I felt a spark inside.  A spark that was dangerously close the the pile of brush I’ve been accumulated all year with other changes I’ve made, positive changes.

PS: “dangerously close” is a good thing.

I am more fully who I am publicly than I have every been before.  I don’t feel a strong need to hide anymore.  I don’t feel like I need to be protected so much anymore.  I feel like a cycle has ended and a new one is beginning.  I want to feel alive all the time.  I want to feel joy.  I want to be happy.  I want to be me.

Will this time be different?  Who knows?  I hope so but only time will tell.  The first step for me was sharing this with you.  The next step…stay tuned…

 

 

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