I’m in a ton of a flux right now…looking at changes in living space, in relationships, in reducing my accumulation of “stuff”,  moving truly into more of who I am and getting super clear about what I want and what’s important to me.

AND I want (like the bear on the right) to express all of my feelings and desires at the top of my lungs but I’m afraid you’d all end up in the fetal position on the ground afraid for your life (which, BTW, is the proper position to take should you actually encounter a real bear).

Here I am, trying to figure this all out and I find myself  attracting a bunch of people right now that are testing me on all levels.  I’m tired.  I have so many good things in my life and then stuff that doesn’t feel so good crops up and I’m just frikken tired right now.  Why is this happening?  I’ve got to figure it out so I can stop it, right?

Last night I realized it was all about control.

• I feel like people are trying to control me.
• I feel like people don’t understand me.
• I feel like people are trying to take advantage of me.

And I’m {REALLY, REALLY} tired.

And then I realized:

• Change can be overwhelming (this is about me).
• I am more aware of control because I feel out of it right now (this is about me).
• I am attracting control “issues” because I desperately want control but to clarify for the Universe…I want to feel in control not be controlled .(yep, you guess it, about me)
• I like need to have some sense of control over my life (this too).
• It isn’t really control I want.  I just want to be me.  I want to be who I am, want what I want, like what I like, do what I want to do…

JUDGMENT FREE.    QUESTION FREE.    FREE OF BEING TOLD NO.

I just want to be who I am in all its messiness.  Because in that messiness is a lot of good and some not-so-good and some downright ugly.

I want to know that you will not abandon me when I lay it all out on the table because you love me.  And I will do the same for you.

 

SHIT (Someone told me that she and a girlfriend use this phrase whenever they need a pause so that’s what I’m doing ‘cuz I think I’ve said all I need to say right now)