Letting You In

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This was written as a part of my journey with Jess Morrow’s Invincible Summer Writing eCourse in 2012.

expansionI have started and stopped this statement over and over again
fear steps in at the thought of sharing who I am with you
what will you think?  If you know me already, will you still like me?
what if you don’t?  how will I cope?  how will the loss of a friend feel?
sadly, I know what it feels like
the fear comes from a place of experience
many experiences
still, I have committed to this process
and know, in the end, I will be better off for having shared

I don’t consider myself a writer
although I long to write and share from my soul
most of the time I am blocked
choking on my words
ready to give the sign for seriously can’t breathe at all
insert Heimlich here
only the Heimlich would require words to be spoken
fear creeps in even more

in my gut, I knew taking this course would awaken something deep inside me
i wasn’t sure what but was willing and ready to take the risk
so here i sit
sharing of myself in a terrifying way

I used to write poems when I was a teen
mostly about relationship troubles
usually to the tunes of Foreigner or REO Speedwagon as they belted out a ballad
those days disappeared in my late teens, early 20s
around the time i gave birth to my oldest daughter
perhaps because the pain of doing it alone
was more than i could bear to share

for several years now, my heart has cried out
it wants to share
my head is the one that is afraid
my head is the one holding back

I’ve had a blog for several years now
because i felt this yearning deep inside to write
but all I’ve been able to share is more business-y stuff
until recently

I started to share some of my artwork
and an insight here and there into my personal life
it felt good to share
others connect and relate to my experiences
letting me know i am not alone
still scarey

I’ve been told my blog should have a business focus
i can’t do it
i can do both business and personal
but not just business
it feels unnatural
restrictive
painful
which i often find odd since i love what i do

i love witty humor
fast comebacks
slightly inappropriate
or completely inappropriate works too

FUCK
i love to swear
i only do it around people close to me
for fear it will offend
even though it’s part of who i am
i never let my kids swear
i told them i could swear because i could judge
where and when it was appropriate and they couldn’t
what a dumb message that was

i love to be creative
in whatever capacity i can create
i don’t do it as much as i want
feels too much like play
there was never time for that growing up
always chores to do or so it seemed
and adults certainly don’t play because it isn’t appropriate
or so i’ve been told

i like oil paints and watercolors and pastels best
i didn’t like watercolors at first
because they didn’t feel forgiving enough
i couldn’t fix my mistakes
now i don’t care so much
i guess that’s progress

i also like to sketch sometimes
but i don’t think i’m very good
my new obsession is zentangles
they are a perfect fit for my love of mandalas

i love the sounds of the 70’s the best
i think i’m a hippie at heart
but you would never know it by looking at me
being a hippie wouldn’t be appropriate
or so i’ve been told

i do aura photos, energy healing and dendrographology
i don’t share that with many people
i’m really not some kind of weirdo
which is what i’m afraid you will think

i love the aura photos because i can show someone
who they really are and how the things in their life are affecting them

i love the healing work because i get to be a part of someone’s journey
to a greater sense of self
i know what a difference it makes
because i’ve seen my own growth

most people don’t know what dendrographology is
i love it and i taught my daughter to do it too
she and i have talked about writing a book
it’s the study of tree drawings
how someone draws a tree
what the tree looks like
where it’s place on the paper
the colors they use
it all means something
it tells a story about who they are
about what they’ve experienced

these give me a glimpse into someone’s soul
an opportunity to share a moment in time at an intimate level
where we are as one
experiencing life together
an opportunity to not be on the outside looking in for once
an opportunity where my confidence can come out
and i’m not stumbling on my words

i also eat my food one thing at a time
i rotate my plate as i go
waitresses hate it
stopping back repeatedly to check on my food
only to see i haven’t gotten to something yet
i try to save the best for last
it’s such a disappointment if what i thought would taste awesome doesn’t

i work a lot
but less than i have in years
progress, i guess
working has been a coping mechanism for me
hating my home environment
not being happy in my marriage
wanting desperately to escape to another world
working gave me that out

now i do my best to keep my evenings and weekends
all to myself
i spend time watching the wildlife
in my new home
single
doing it alone
except this time it’s what i want

i’m afraid of heights
but not on my balcony
i don’t know why

i’m afraid of escalators
i’m sure i look foolish
trying to time my entrance
onto that path of death
sure something will get stuck
i won’t be able to get off at the end
i’ll spend the rest of my life trapped inside
after being sucked underneath
into what surely is hell

i’m afraid of bridges
grasping the steering wheel tight
making sure both hands are strategically placed
breathing deeply to control my nerves
it never helps
can’t wait until the bridge is behind me

sometimes the fears are worse than others
it’s my indicator that i’m stressed
stress makes them worse

i’m taking jess’ course
to find my voice again
fully and completely
not afraid to share
not caring if i’m judged
knowing the judging isn’t about me

it feels good to share
even though i still feel the fear
i’m grateful for this opportunity to explore
and maybe call myself a writer one day