One of my mentors, Mickey Mikeworth, has this exercise she does in class to demonstrate the purpose of boundaries. It involves a glass, some water and somebody getting wet.
She has someone hold the glass as she begins to fill it. Then she shows how, when things come in contact with the glass, the glass keeps them out…the way we typically think of the purpose of a boundary. If things keep hitting up on the glass, the water will spill and people will get wet.
BUT
The glass is not actually there to keep all these things out. It’s only purpose is to hold the water.
When we focus on what we don’t want, we tend to get more of it. We “get wet.” We notice that things are constantly bumping up against us, in a way we don’t like, and the water keeps spilling.
The water represents all the things that are important to us and the glass is there only to make sure those things have a space to be.
This is the true purpose of a boundary.
This shift in how I think about boundaries was life changing. I have spent way too much time focusing on what I don’t want and feeling like “I have lousy boundaries.” I beat myself up all the time.聽 The truth is my boundaries are fine. It’s just my focus that’s off.
Now, I focus on what’s important to me and how I will make sure they always have room in my life.聽 If it’s seeming like a tight fit, a simple inventory of what’s getting in the way and how I can make a shift is usually enough to take care of it.聽 I love the more positive approach to this topic.
How about you?
Love that, Ruth – “don’t borrow trouble”! Yes and yes to that dang glass keeping in only the good stuff. I remember that demonstration in Mickey’s class. Cool reminder! I have actually been studying this a lot lately as I read Leo Babauta’s book called Zen to Done, a sort of tongue in cheek take on Getting Things Done. (YOU know that book, don’t you? 馃檪 ) He calls those things “Big Rocks” – if you were filling a container with rocks, you would have to put in the big rocks first for all of the rocks to fit. So I am trying to put my big rocks into my week first and then DO THOSE THINGS first. I have noticed that if I do them right away, they get done. If I put them off while I write one more email, they don’t get done. It is pretty simple, really!
Yes, watching her do it again was an excellent reminder for me and I just had to share it with others 馃檪 Love the big rocks…kind of like High Value Activities in a business as well.
What a great reframe Michele! I love container metaphors and this one delights me.
I’m glad you enjoyed it Deborah. A big thank you to Mickey for sharing such a life-changing tool!
Ha!! Right on! I was reminded of what my mother said to me constantly as I was growing up. “Don’t borrow trouble.” Now I realize her purpose was to get me to focus on positive things. And now I realize that has become a life style for me….well….most of the time!!
Very thought provoking post, Michele. Thank you!
LOL My mom used to say that to me too. It feels so much better to focus on the positive!