One of my mentors, Mickey Mikeworth, has this exercise she does in class to demonstrate the purpose of boundaries. It involves a glass, some water and somebody getting wet.

She has someone hold the glass as she begins to fill it. Then she shows how, when things come in contact with the glass, the glass keeps them out…the way we typically think of the purpose of a boundary. If things keep hitting up on the glass, the water will spill and people will get wet.

BUT

The glass is not actually there to keep all these things out. It’s only purpose is to hold the water.

When we focus on what we don’t want, we tend to get more of it. We “get wet.” We notice that things are constantly bumping up against us, in a way we don’t like, and the water keeps spilling.

The water represents all the things that are important to us and the glass is there only to make sure those things have a space to be.

This is the true purpose of a boundary.

This shift in how I think about boundaries was life changing. I have spent way too much time focusing on what I don’t want and feeling like “I have lousy boundaries.” I beat myself up all the time.  The truth is my boundaries are fine. It’s just my focus that’s off.

Now, I focus on what’s important to me and how I will make sure they always have room in my life.  If it’s seeming like a tight fit, a simple inventory of what’s getting in the way and how I can make a shift is usually enough to take care of it.  I love the more positive approach to this topic.

How about you?