It’s not what you think.
If you know me at all, you will know I am a very black and white thinker.
Or at least I have been.
I’m working on it.
“Well, if I don’t want that; surely this is what I want.”
And I couldn’t have been further than the truth.
Here’s an example.
There were things I believed were missing in my marriage. I wanted a partner who I shared specific interests with…being creative was one. My ex has this aspect inside but rarely uses it. He and I played Pictionary once many years ago and I still tell people he’s the one you want for a partner, if you’re going to play that game because everything will look exactly like it’s supposed to. He used to take photos but doesn’t really any more. I’m not sure why.
Another one was a sense of adventure. I wanted someone who wanted to try new things and wanted to get out and about rather than sitting home all the time. He was a bit of a homebody and rarely wanted to try something new.
There were other things as well…a desire to talk about and explore spirituality…alternative ways to view illness and disease and a desire to heal our pain…a desire to grow as a person. In my mind, he didn’t possess these qualities so the relationship was broken.
Recently, I went on a date with someone. The sparks were there in all our conversations prior to the actual date. He had many of the qualities and interests I felt I wanted in a partner. Within minutes on our date, I knew I had been thinking about this all wrong. Every quality…every interest shows up in varying degrees…shades of gray. We can have too much or too little of anything. For example, this man was really into play and being creative and I was really excited about that.
Until he made the comment that he’d managed to avoid being responsible for much in life for all of his 50 years.
Yep, someone who plays too much may not be a good thing.
I also realized that some things are really personal to me and, while I thought I desired someone to talk to about them (i.e. spirituality), I actually don’t. The level of conversation I have with people in my life currently is plenty good. Much of what I view as spiritual, I can’t always even put words to. Why I believed I needed more here is a mystery to me and might be something I never fully understand and that’s okay. The important thing is I understand today that, if something isn’t working, it doesn’t mean I need/desire the opposite…